everyone's getting engaged
and thoughts about gifting food
Selamat Tahun Baru! Happy New Year! By this point it’d be more accurate to wish you a happy Lunar / Chinese New Year - it feels like time is moving really fast and so much has happened already in 2025.
We got engaged recently!
I find a recurring thought has somehow found many intersections in January - the idea of gifting food. It’s the season where i’m sure you’ve seen many lavishly decorated hampers and boxes containing cookies and goodies fill your news feed / shopping mall pop-up carts / home. I’ve always looked on in wonder at these goods and wondered who was opening their wallets for the exorbitant prices that these gift packages can command. Dear reader, the person opening their wallet is me.
Which is to say that I’ve found myself in situations where gift-giving is crucial. Nevermind the annual office partner appreciation season (you should see the cost-benefit decks I’ve made of heritage cookie tin options), asking for someone’s hand in marriage means you have people to impress, and impressing people usually means some form of gifting is required.
When I awkwardly greeted my in-laws-to-be, asking for their eldest daughter’s hand in marriage, I brought with me as a peace offering a loaf of Lapis Cempedak - layered cake with jackfruit. I would buy the same thing in a heartbeat, because the Lapis itself was divine. But while the packaging was nice, on a very unscientific basis, I feel like I’ve never really seen amazing packaging for Malay kueh or food. Definitely nothing hotel or heirloom level, like those aluminium cookie tins that somehow last decades and end up in vintage stores. Sometimes all I’m asking for is a bit of nicely designed cardboard packaging!
Anyway, it’s customary during the engagement ceremony for the bride and groom-to-be to exchange gift trays, or dulang. These gifts usually take on the form of clothes, prayer mats, makeup, or other nice things - I’ve attended engagement ceremonies where the gifts included a nice pair of jeans, or sneakers. My mom tells me my dad gave her kain lepas - unsewn cloth, among other things. Apparently my grandfather was never one for making the engagement process a big thing.
One thing my mom remembers is that her dulang hantaran included a cake. Our dulangs to each other only consisted of food (our mom’s decision). I can’t really find any research or consistent reports about *only* giving food as gifts during the engagement, but through the magic of community… I think it was the right call.
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Two short anecdotes I’ve got to get out at this point. As we chip away at the task of Getting Married and planning a wedding, I think we’ve been quite conscious about cost and waste. Everyone’s very aware at how expensive life is getting - so when you’re trying to buy a house and start a life, every last dollar counts! I initially wanted to give something that would last and could keep. It feels more auspicious, symbolic - you always want things that represent longevity with weddings, right. How many wedding favours have you accepted and actually kept? A friend gave a little zippered box as a wedding favour years ago and I’ve used it as a receptacle for guitar picks, but I can’t think of anything else that has endured anywhere as long.
Last December, we had a little volunteer gathering at work to celebrate the end of the year and Christmas. We’d always catered food for such occasions, but for the first time we decided to organise a potluck - which went quite well! It was definitely tough administratively, because on top of chasing people for their attendance, you’ve got to chase them to check what they’re bringing - because when you leave something as critical as food to the masses, you have to try to exert as much control as you can. And that’s as tough as herding kittens but you have to. See, catering is easy because you can just pay money to make sure everyone has enough to eat - the vegetarians, the muslims, those with allergies, the picky eaters… There’s so much communication and cajoling to make sure all these boxes are ticked in a potluck.
But the one thing I remember is that everyone who walked into those doors with a plastic bag or tupperware in their hands marched right up to the potluck table with confidence, and so many took the time to explain to anyone in earshot what they bought, where they got it, why they should try their food offering first… and so on. People are pretty passionate about food. Singaporeans are really really passionate about sharing the joy of discovering good food.
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So when our parents suggested that the dulangs be entirely comprised of food, we had to really go back to the drawing board and think. You can’t put a pot of rendang on a dulang and give it as an engagement gift. I mean you could, but that’s a bit weird. Of course, we planned a few things to order and give to each other, like a custom cake from Dapiku Sweets in the colour of a smiski (haha) and topped by an amazing bloomed ginger flower.
It was in the spirit of the potluck that I found the process really heartwarming - relatives and family friends came out to offer something for the dulang. Like I said earlier, there wasn’t really anything that came in a pre-made package, but the beauty of kueh is that the food itself was often spectacular enough. We sourced and decorated our own metal trays for the food to sit on, which is a lot more personal than off the shelf packaging, and a pretty fun afternoon crafty date.
The magic of gifting food came much later, after the photos had all been taken and our bellies all full from the asam pedas - we divided up the cakes and chocolates amongst the family, making judgements as to how much could fit in the fridge and how much each family could reasonably eat. Everyone got a little piece of our hantaran, even the neighbours and our co-workers. And as we sat in the living room, exhausted from the day, my mom spent time asking me about how the jelly heart contributed by her friend looked and tasted - she had to report back, of course. The food was good, but it filled the heart more to know that the food you recommended / gifted really really hit the spot.
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So I guess to wrap up this slightly rambling reflection on the close of 2024 and the start of 2025 (and a new stage of life), the packaging really isn’t the point of it all. It’s the joy of sharing, giving, and discovering good food - the way it’s presented is really the icing on the cake.
Here’s to a great year ahead! Whether you’re sharing a beloved makan spot, or cooking a meal for family and friends to share, may we all make great memories in the months ahead.
